Night Time Tears and the Case of the "Horrible Hula Hooper"

Each night when I tuck my kids into bed, we do a best and worst of the day. Sometimes I will switch it up with "something that made you laugh really hard and something that made you feel sad." I can't remember how long I've been doing this or where I even got it from. Chances are pretty high that it might have come as an idea from my BF Kelly during one of our "mommy downloads." She always has some gem to add to my thoughts, mommy concerns and the like. (shout out) Anyway, back to the story at hand!

Tonight as I was tucking my 7 year old in, she said she had something to tell me and she started to tear up. I asked her what was going on and she whispered something inaudible in my ear obviously fighting back the urge to burst into tears. Seeing how affected she was by whatever this was, I was beginning to prepare myself for the worst. Did she get in a fight? Was someone "inappropriate" with her? Did she get a bad grade or maybe she's having a hard time understanding something at school? Is she feeling sick??!! As my concern started to mount, I said, "I am sorry Sweety, I need you to say it out loud because I can't hear you." Then bursting into tears she manages to get out "Brandon, said a VERY mean thing to me today" I said "Oh no, really? I can see you're really upset about it. What did he say?" In a whisper/cry, I get, "He said.....(sob, sob) he said.....that I was a REALLY BAD HULA HOOPER!!!" (full on tears...) Serious?...Part of me wanted to laugh, part of me wanted to say "And THAT'S why you're so upset?", and part of me wanted to say to her, "And did you tell Brandon, 'Dude what are you talking to me for, you're in second grade and YOU CAN'T EVEN READ!!!' LOL But THAT would have been petty....and probably NOT the most mature or best example but I'm not gonna lie ya'll, I totally had the thought!

Mentally pausing here....I'm going through all of the things that I want to seize in this "teaching moment" Hmmmm....what are they....and where do I want to go first? My thoughts:

#1 There may be some truth to what Brandon is saying, she may in fact BE a 'really bad hula hooper', lol, and I want her to be able to look at that and know that it is not something that has to crush her identity, okay-ness, and ability to belong

#2 There will always be someone who is going to be better than you at something or another at any given time in your life and that is okay. It doesn't need to mean anything about who you are and what you have to offer (in our society this is not stressed enough and in fact inversely reinforced to have "okay-ness" directly related to performance which builds EGO esteem NOT SELF esteem)

#3 It is important to be able to recognize, be happy for and celebrate others' skills and abilities instead of being jealous or feeling less than.

#4 Some of these situations are temporary and can be changed. If there is something that you would like to do or be better at, instead of getting discouraged, come up with a plan of action that will help change the way that you feel about and or experience that thing

#5 Sometimes people say and do mean things that hurt our feelings for whatever reason. I want her to have response options....

Okay so these 5 concepts are swimming around in my head and I want to stress each of them while also giving her some comfort, validation and encouragement that we all need from our moms. (its late and I'm coming off of a 10 hour straight day, I'm exhausted and starting to lose steam....)let's end the day with a bang....Here goes....

Trying not to mess up this moment too much, I say, "So why did that bother you so much? She says, "Because he said I was a really bad hula hooper!!!" (nice start mom, geeez....trying to get back on track..)
"Right, so it hurt your feelings?"
"Yes!"
"Yeah, I can see how that would. Were you embarrassed a little bit too, maybe?"
"Yes, mom I was because Akaisha can hula hoop on her legs and her arms and her hips!!"
I said, "that's AWESOME! Good for Akaisha!" "So, do YOU think you're a 'really bad hula hooper?'
"Well, I'm not as good as Akaisha!"
"And that hurts your feelings?"
"YES!"
"Yeah, I can understand that. Sometimes its hard to see someone doing something really well that you wish you could do well, huh?"
(little tears streaming...) "yes...."
"So, what would you like to do about this?"
"I don't know..."
"Hmmmm, well lets think about it. Do you think its okay for Akaisha to be better at hula hooping than you are right now?"
"Yeah, I guess so but I wish I was that good."
"Yeah, I get that. I wish I was a better singer but when I sing it mostly sounds like this: SQUWAAAAAAK!!!! (we are both laughing) and, Uncle Brendon and pretty much everyone in our family will always be a better singer than me. lol! But that's okay because there are things that I can do and the way that I love and care for people that make me cool cuz I'm just me."

"And there are amazing things about you that make you special and unique and amazing just because of who you choose to be ( I list off a few personality traits of hers that I especially love and admire about her) and I think that's way cool! (mom smile)" "It sounds like Akaisha really likes to hula hoop. I bet she probably does it a lot. Do you think she's had a lot of practice?"
"Yeah, I think so. She hula hoops a lot."
"That makes sense. That's awesome that she's practiced a lot and has gotten that good, dontcha think? I bet she feels really good. I'm happy for her that she can do lots of stuff with the hula hoop and likes it so much!"
"Yeah, I wish I could."
"So, why can't you? Do you like to hula hoop?"
"Yes!"
"Very cool! Then if its something that you really like and you have fun doing it, let's do some more of it. Whadda ya think?"
"Would you do it with me? Like can we do it together?"
"Uh, totally!"
"Okay." (little smile)
(thinking to myself okay, at least the tears are gone. This is not too bad. I'm sure there are a million other concepts that I've missed....what else?......oh right!) "So, that was pretty rude of Brandon to say that huh?"
"Yes, it was totally rude mom"
"Yeah, my guess is he probably likes you since he is always chasing you and saying things like that to you. But that does not make it okay or feel any better, huh?" (did I really just do, "Boys are sometimes mean when they like you?" true or not, it totally felt trite and NOT helpful. lol oh well...) "Brandon may have some other things going on in his life that we don't know about that he chooses to say things like that" (probably too much for my 7 year old to grab a hold of in this particular moment...) "But no matter why he chose to say that to you, it still doesn't make it okay, does it?"
"No"
"what do you think you can say to Brandon next time he says something like that to you?"
"I don't know Mom, because I don't want to be mean or hurt his feelings back so I just,....I don't know....I say nothing and I want to cry." We talk about why she wants to cry and go over some possible responses:

Say nothing, Walk away, "Akaish is awesome at that, huh?", "Whatever", "That was really rude.", we come up with a few more options and rehearse some of them. I give her a squeeze, tell her how wonderful she is. Completely spent, I head to bed hoping that I didn't screw that up too much and thinking "MAN, my kid is sensitive! But I wouldn't have it any other way." Think I'll stop at Target today and pick up a couple of hula hoops..... :0)

** UPDATE** Today when I picked up "Lil Miss Thang" from school, she informed me "So Mom, I totally told Brandon today that he hurt my feelings!"
Shocked that she actually said something to him I replied, "REALLY??! What did you say? What did he say?"
She told me "Well I just said to him: 'Hey the other day you really hurt my feelings.' and he said 'What? No I didn't!' and I said, 'Yes, you did. When you said I was a really bad hula hooper, that really hurt my feelings.' and he said, 'Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Are you okay?"
I said, "No way!!! Seriously?!"
"Yes mom."
"Wow! That is amazing. I'm actually really surprised that he said sorry. I bet that felt really good to stand up for yourself like that without being rude and to hear him apologize. Were you glad you said something?"
"Yes, totally!"
"Good for you! That takes a lot of guts. You're amazing." (I guess I'm really glad I resisted the urge to encourage her to use the "YOU CAN"T EVEN READ!" response!...and my faith in the next generation is momentarily restored. lol)