Night Time Tears and the Case of the "Horrible Hula Hooper"

Each night when I tuck my kids into bed, we do a best and worst of the day. Sometimes I will switch it up with "something that made you laugh really hard and something that made you feel sad." I can't remember how long I've been doing this or where I even got it from. Chances are pretty high that it might have come as an idea from my BF Kelly during one of our "mommy downloads." She always has some gem to add to my thoughts, mommy concerns and the like. (shout out) Anyway, back to the story at hand!

Tonight as I was tucking my 7 year old in, she said she had something to tell me and she started to tear up. I asked her what was going on and she whispered something inaudible in my ear obviously fighting back the urge to burst into tears. Seeing how affected she was by whatever this was, I was beginning to prepare myself for the worst. Did she get in a fight? Was someone "inappropriate" with her? Did she get a bad grade or maybe she's having a hard time understanding something at school? Is she feeling sick??!! As my concern started to mount, I said, "I am sorry Sweety, I need you to say it out loud because I can't hear you." Then bursting into tears she manages to get out "Brandon, said a VERY mean thing to me today" I said "Oh no, really? I can see you're really upset about it. What did he say?" In a whisper/cry, I get, "He said.....(sob, sob) he said.....that I was a REALLY BAD HULA HOOPER!!!" (full on tears...) Serious?...Part of me wanted to laugh, part of me wanted to say "And THAT'S why you're so upset?", and part of me wanted to say to her, "And did you tell Brandon, 'Dude what are you talking to me for, you're in second grade and YOU CAN'T EVEN READ!!!' LOL But THAT would have been petty....and probably NOT the most mature or best example but I'm not gonna lie ya'll, I totally had the thought!

Mentally pausing here....I'm going through all of the things that I want to seize in this "teaching moment" Hmmmm....what are they....and where do I want to go first? My thoughts:

#1 There may be some truth to what Brandon is saying, she may in fact BE a 'really bad hula hooper', lol, and I want her to be able to look at that and know that it is not something that has to crush her identity, okay-ness, and ability to belong

#2 There will always be someone who is going to be better than you at something or another at any given time in your life and that is okay. It doesn't need to mean anything about who you are and what you have to offer (in our society this is not stressed enough and in fact inversely reinforced to have "okay-ness" directly related to performance which builds EGO esteem NOT SELF esteem)

#3 It is important to be able to recognize, be happy for and celebrate others' skills and abilities instead of being jealous or feeling less than.

#4 Some of these situations are temporary and can be changed. If there is something that you would like to do or be better at, instead of getting discouraged, come up with a plan of action that will help change the way that you feel about and or experience that thing

#5 Sometimes people say and do mean things that hurt our feelings for whatever reason. I want her to have response options....

Okay so these 5 concepts are swimming around in my head and I want to stress each of them while also giving her some comfort, validation and encouragement that we all need from our moms. (its late and I'm coming off of a 10 hour straight day, I'm exhausted and starting to lose steam....)let's end the day with a bang....Here goes....

Trying not to mess up this moment too much, I say, "So why did that bother you so much? She says, "Because he said I was a really bad hula hooper!!!" (nice start mom, geeez....trying to get back on track..)
"Right, so it hurt your feelings?"
"Yes!"
"Yeah, I can see how that would. Were you embarrassed a little bit too, maybe?"
"Yes, mom I was because Akaisha can hula hoop on her legs and her arms and her hips!!"
I said, "that's AWESOME! Good for Akaisha!" "So, do YOU think you're a 'really bad hula hooper?'
"Well, I'm not as good as Akaisha!"
"And that hurts your feelings?"
"YES!"
"Yeah, I can understand that. Sometimes its hard to see someone doing something really well that you wish you could do well, huh?"
(little tears streaming...) "yes...."
"So, what would you like to do about this?"
"I don't know..."
"Hmmmm, well lets think about it. Do you think its okay for Akaisha to be better at hula hooping than you are right now?"
"Yeah, I guess so but I wish I was that good."
"Yeah, I get that. I wish I was a better singer but when I sing it mostly sounds like this: SQUWAAAAAAK!!!! (we are both laughing) and, Uncle Brendon and pretty much everyone in our family will always be a better singer than me. lol! But that's okay because there are things that I can do and the way that I love and care for people that make me cool cuz I'm just me."

"And there are amazing things about you that make you special and unique and amazing just because of who you choose to be ( I list off a few personality traits of hers that I especially love and admire about her) and I think that's way cool! (mom smile)" "It sounds like Akaisha really likes to hula hoop. I bet she probably does it a lot. Do you think she's had a lot of practice?"
"Yeah, I think so. She hula hoops a lot."
"That makes sense. That's awesome that she's practiced a lot and has gotten that good, dontcha think? I bet she feels really good. I'm happy for her that she can do lots of stuff with the hula hoop and likes it so much!"
"Yeah, I wish I could."
"So, why can't you? Do you like to hula hoop?"
"Yes!"
"Very cool! Then if its something that you really like and you have fun doing it, let's do some more of it. Whadda ya think?"
"Would you do it with me? Like can we do it together?"
"Uh, totally!"
"Okay." (little smile)
(thinking to myself okay, at least the tears are gone. This is not too bad. I'm sure there are a million other concepts that I've missed....what else?......oh right!) "So, that was pretty rude of Brandon to say that huh?"
"Yes, it was totally rude mom"
"Yeah, my guess is he probably likes you since he is always chasing you and saying things like that to you. But that does not make it okay or feel any better, huh?" (did I really just do, "Boys are sometimes mean when they like you?" true or not, it totally felt trite and NOT helpful. lol oh well...) "Brandon may have some other things going on in his life that we don't know about that he chooses to say things like that" (probably too much for my 7 year old to grab a hold of in this particular moment...) "But no matter why he chose to say that to you, it still doesn't make it okay, does it?"
"No"
"what do you think you can say to Brandon next time he says something like that to you?"
"I don't know Mom, because I don't want to be mean or hurt his feelings back so I just,....I don't know....I say nothing and I want to cry." We talk about why she wants to cry and go over some possible responses:

Say nothing, Walk away, "Akaish is awesome at that, huh?", "Whatever", "That was really rude.", we come up with a few more options and rehearse some of them. I give her a squeeze, tell her how wonderful she is. Completely spent, I head to bed hoping that I didn't screw that up too much and thinking "MAN, my kid is sensitive! But I wouldn't have it any other way." Think I'll stop at Target today and pick up a couple of hula hoops..... :0)

** UPDATE** Today when I picked up "Lil Miss Thang" from school, she informed me "So Mom, I totally told Brandon today that he hurt my feelings!"
Shocked that she actually said something to him I replied, "REALLY??! What did you say? What did he say?"
She told me "Well I just said to him: 'Hey the other day you really hurt my feelings.' and he said 'What? No I didn't!' and I said, 'Yes, you did. When you said I was a really bad hula hooper, that really hurt my feelings.' and he said, 'Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Are you okay?"
I said, "No way!!! Seriously?!"
"Yes mom."
"Wow! That is amazing. I'm actually really surprised that he said sorry. I bet that felt really good to stand up for yourself like that without being rude and to hear him apologize. Were you glad you said something?"
"Yes, totally!"
"Good for you! That takes a lot of guts. You're amazing." (I guess I'm really glad I resisted the urge to encourage her to use the "YOU CAN"T EVEN READ!" response!...and my faith in the next generation is momentarily restored. lol)

Gratitude is where its at!!

This time last year, I was doing a lot of research on Gratitude in preparation for a seminar that I was asked to do. In my studies I came to understand just how incredibly powerful the state of gratitude can be. It is, in fact, the single most powerful emotion in its ability to alter perspective.

Building on this concept and bringing it closer to home, I wanted to set something in motion that would being a constant reminder of the importance of gratitude as well as something that would encourage myself and my kids to keep this as our focus so that we can continue to build on the good things and energy that being grateful creates. So....I decided to put up a huge dry erase board in the office of our home in which we would write random things that we were grateful for as we think of them. I also thought it would be cool and create even more great energy to have all those who enter our home leave us with something that they are grateful for. We are loving it and the kids love to write and read what others have written. It makes us smile every time we look at it and brings such a great feeling to our home. :0) We just started it this week and already, this is what ours looks like:

Nightmares and the "Mom can I sleep in your bed?" dilemma...

So my fabulous 7 year old daughter has, like most kids her age, a VERY active imagination. Add that to the fact that while very emotionally aware, also tends to be just a BIT dramatic (which most of the time I love and can appreciate) except when it comes to bedtime.

On and off over the last year and a half, she has struggled with nightmares. You know, the regular stuff....monsters, sharks, lions...etc. It's hard to watch because I can see how scared she is and I want so bad to fix it. I have spent some time exploring with her what these are about and assessing what's going on with her. I know that there are emotional issues that she may be having: fears, feeling alone, things that she is working out and I can help her with, etc. But sometimes... they just happen.

Her solution is always to sleep in my bed with me. While part of me would love to allow that, knowing that she would feel immediately safer/better, it would also start a habit of that being the answer each night, anticipated nightmare or not.
Additionally, it is important to me that we can come up with ideas together and she learn ways to help herself with this so she doesn't feel quite as helpless. Granted there are occasional nights when she will come into my room in the middle of the night after one of these have occurred and I will let her snuggle in with me without a moment's hesitation. However, I feel a little better knowing those nights are few and that I've tucked her into bed utilizing other options first. Here are a few ideas that we have found work a good amount of the time and, that's good enough for me...



Spray it! "Monster Away" Spray-This was a cute idea from one of her dance teachers "Miss Zetta" it is simply a homemade spray bottle decorated with puffy paints and filled with glittery water (on my sisters suggestion, I also added a bit of soothing lavender oil.) She simply keeps it by her bedside and sprays when she goes to bed and when/if she wakes up in the night.


Favorite Things/Happy Place: Clearly if you are a fan of The Sound of Music this is no foreign concept to you. (Are the hills in fact "alive?" I don't know. I suppose that's a "perspective" issue... but I digress...) If she is feeling afraid when she goes to bed, we will talk about some of her favorite things or places/things/people that make her happy, favorite memories, etc. I will sit by her bed and talk about some of these with her and ask her detailed questions about them until I can see that she has been in that frame of mind for a little bit. Then I will leave her with the assignment of coming up with a list of 10 favorite things that I will ask her about in the morning.



Music: This is her favorite and works like a charm. When music fills the house, the vibe changes and there can be instant comfort. I will either choose a playlist or let her choose one. When I used this when my son was little, I put him to bed with things like Yanni and Enya (which my sister thought was "creepy" ) My daughter prefers "hipper" tunes. The music of choice lately has been Coldplay, Death Cab for Cutie, and Regina Spector, among many other favorites.

Obviously these methods don't ensure that her nightmares will never happen, but they have definitely been very helpful in giving her some coping strategies and solid sleep filled nights. And...on the occasional night that she finds her way into my bed... I am grateful that she is still little enough to want her mommy..... :0)

Mothers of the World Unite

Hello all you bloggers out there! As a single, working mom who has the need for constant inspiration, organization, dedication and determination, (phew, thats a lot of "ations" right there!) and because "life" can sometimes get in the way of all of those things, I wanted to have a means to make things easier and keep myself focused on being the "best version" of myself. I am fortunate to be surrounded by several amazing mothers that inspire me to do and be better.

So, I decided to start this blog as a place of sharing and inspiration for myself and all other mothers out there, single and married alike (or if you have a mom or want to be a mom someday, this is for you too!). This will be a place of inspirational thoughts, parenting ideas, recipes, projects and etc....so let us begin!

An Inspirational Beginning: Devastation and the Determination to do it "Anyway"

The idea that life can sometimes throw us for a loop and blind side us with experiences for growth when we least expect it has always been a concept that I was familiar with. However, when it comes at you full force and everything you thought was real suddenly changes, you can be compelled to revisit this concept and decide what you will do.

I have always held to the notion that you can not control what other people will do but you can ALWAYS control how you act, respond, and who you choose to be. Although it is sometimes tempting to be angry and want to blame I continue to find inspiration and as a result, determination, to be the best version of myself. After all, that is what I am in charge of and what I will always answer for. That being said, one of my favorite presentations of this idea and one that helps me regularly refocus, can be found in this poem inscribed on the wall of Mother Teresa's children's home in Calcutta:

Mother Teresa's "Anyway" Poem

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.



I love that!! Let us go forward today and choose to be the best version of ourselves "anyway", regardless of who others may choose to be.