"We should make time to talk, dontcha think?": The importance of dates and personal interviews

Like many of you, my week is full of work, kids' activities, errands, household obligations and so much more. In the midst of all of this "life" happening, I have often found myself feeling like I am missing moments of connection, teaching, and really knowing my children. I have a few precious moments that are set aside like nightly tuck ins, and our Saturday morning breakfasts that I love. However, I find that so much can come from one on one time, whether its a special planned activity or just grabbing an ice cream together. I wanted to find a way to take advantage of that and turn it from a great concept that I "really should do sometime", to an active habit.

I remember as a little girl, my parents would occasionally take us on a "date". This was a time that was just for us when there were no other distractions and we were able to talk and enjoy being together. It started off as a regular thing and then became more of an "as needed" type of situation which seemed to work fairly well in my family. I always looked forward to time that I knew was just for me. It is important to me, for several reasons, that my children are able to have similar experiences.

A couple of months ago, I began reinstating the "weekly date", with each of my children. Generally speaking it is always on the same day, at the same time. I will ask each one what they would like to do for their "date" and give them the parameters I would like for them to work within (ie, going to Disneyland this Thursday afternoon is not an option, HOWEVER, here are some things that WOULD work for this week:...) usually they already have an idea of what they would like to do. On occasion, I will have an idea or something planned as well and we go and do whatever it is and get to just be around each other.

As a parent, I find that our dates tend to remind me of how much I not only love my kids, but genuinely LIKE them and enjoy being around them. I find, the more I truly know them, (which in part, can only come through spending time), the more I feel this way. It also allows me to include another aspect of parenting that I feel is important in staying connected: The personal interview. This is basically my opportunity to do "check ins" with my kids. I will ask them about everything that is going on in their lives and how they are feeling. It is my time to ask personal questions and give my undivided attention so that I can assess their needs and what I can be doing better/differently. I love the fact that my kids look forward to this.

My date with my 14 year old is on Thursday afternoon/evenings. He usually likes to pick a place to eat and somewhere to grab dessert (if its not the same place). Last Tuesday he says to me, "So Mom, are you excited about our date this week?" Smiling a bit to myself I said, "Totally Bud, are you?" He said, "Yeah Mom, I'm really looking forward to it." I said, "Really? Which part are you looking forward to the most?" To which he replied, "I just really like that we get to talk, ya know?" I wanted to melt. I look so forward to this time, finding out about his world and connecting with my TEENAGE (ugh! where has the time gone?!) son. I don't know how many more years I will have of him "looking forward" to this. So far, so good...

My 7 year old is a bit different, naturally. With her, we usually end up doing more of an activity type of thing: baking, doing a craft, going to the park, or other activities. I will also talk to her during this time and ask the same type of questions that I do my 14 year old, just in 7 year old format. I am constantly blown away by the feedback I get from this little one. I learn so much from her.

All in all, weekly dates have changed the type of relationship that I have with my kids. There is so much time spent in the structure and "have tos" of life that the "I really like you, want to know what's going on in your life and like to spend time with you" can get easily lost in the shuffle.

So, whether it is a weekly date with each of your children, or a monthly date, or whatever frequency works for your family, I can't tell you how much I recommend instilling this as a habit. Its touching to see how much our kids look forward to time with us where we set aside all other distractions (no phones!) and it gets to just be all about them. Its amazing the bond that it creates and helps to solidify. And, just when we thought we knew everything about our kids... we learn something new. AND they are even cooler than we thought... :0)